Crapterion Collect: "Santa with Muscles"

By Richard Chavez
Published: December 10, 2008

After reviewing two gruesome films the past two months, I finally get to watch a holiday movie the whole family can enjoy, well, a Mid-Western one.

What do you think when you hear the phrase, “Santa With Muscles?” 24 inch pythons of course. In this cheery film, Hulk Hogan plays an evil millionaire on the run from the authorities, led by Ron Howard’s little brother, something he did in real life as the leader of the nWo, without Ron Howard’s little brother. Only in this scenario, he falls down a garbage chute and comes out a new man. He believes he’s Santa Claus and must save Christmas the same way he can save his own daughter’s rear end from UV rays.

Two “That 70s Show” alum play supporting roles, Donna Pinciotti’s father and Jackie. Fez must have been busy back in 1996. The enemies are a goofy scientist, an electrifying woman, and a guy in a space suit. They want to take over the world by turning people into killer turkeys, or something like that. So Santa Claus has to fight for the rights of every man by taking them down. One big boot and leg drop later, the bad guys are toast. Or was that Andre the Giant? Either way, the Hulkster conquers.

Based on the immense success of this film, Hulk Hogan will run for official Santa Claus in 2012. Some of his campaign points are changing the official Christmas colors to red and yellow and appointing Scott Hall and Kevin Nash as the head of North Pole security. He was slated to use his son, Nick, as the driver of his sleigh but he didn’t want to injure any of his elves. Although after Mrs. Claus ran off with one of the little bastards, Santa Hulk is reconsidering his son for the position.

As Americans, we’ve become accustomed to the old regime, but we too, need some fresh blood in our office. So kids, you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout, I’m telling you why. Cuz the Hulkamania will run wild on you!








(Left) Yes, that is indeed Hulk Hogan, dressed as Santa, in a garbage chute.
(Right) The moving duet between Hulk Hogan and the little orphan girl really takes the film to new heights that Crapterion has never ventured into before.