Chinese Catastrophe: An Inside Scoop from a Die-Hard G’NR lover

(Above) Album cover of Guns N’ Roses’ latest album, “Chinese Democracy.” (Below) A close-up of Mitch DeVaolo’s new kick-ass tattoo.

By Bryan Glynn and Chad Marshall
Published: December 10, 2008

There are few things that stick in our minds like music. And there are few people who can’t finish the line, “Welcome to the Jungle…” with “we’ve got fun and games.” However, to Mitch DeVaolo, Guns N’ Roses isn’t a game, and they’re all fun. We sat him down to talk about the new long awaited release, "Chinese Democracy." Clearly, he enjoys rambling people into comas about his favorite band.

Steaming Pipe: So, what were your thoughts when you listened to the new GNR album?

Mitch DeVaolo: “Okay, okay. So, I’ve been waitin’ for this thing for fourteen years! FOURTEEN YEARS! You know how many chicks I have had in the backseat of my fucking Camaro in fourteen years? Well, double that if I had this album. I had this calendar, right? And every day, I’d X off another day without hearing these guys rock the house in my ears.

I saw them at Jones Beach, and I got this sweet fucking tattoo, bro. It’s my tribute to GNR. You wouldn’t believe it. It looks like one’a them painters did it on my back. Like.. Donatello or the guy that painted that dude with his hands on his face screaming. Oh man. I should have gotten that guy dressed up as Axl Rose. That’d be so sweet.

You know what else is sweet? THIS ALBUM, BABY! I CAN’T STOP LISTENING, IT ROCKS SO GODDAMNED HARD!

SP: What tracks do you think stand out?

Mitch: You know, not to sound like some homo or something, but when I listened to “Street of Dreams”, I almost cried. Not cried like some little bitch who’s dad didn’t hug him enough. But like…tears of awesome or some shit.

You should listen to the single “Chinese Democracy”. Dude, it’s so good 104.3 keeps it in rotation like twice an hour. I’ve been listening to that station for rockin’ out under the bleachers and smoking pot out of a Coors can.”

[At this point, he started to do a screeching Axl Rose voice, singing small snippets from what seemed like GNR’s entire catalogue.]

SP: Mitch, we don’t have much time here.

Mitch: “Blow it out your ass you fuckhead. Go home!”

SP: Ok, then. Moving on. What is your fondest memory of seeing GNR?

Mitch: This one time was totally crazy. I was at The Swamp back when they were really rocking. I snuck past a roadie to get backstage. Bro! Backstage is sweet. There’s food and chicks offering BJs to get there. And none of that comic book faggot shit. ARNOLD, BABY! Anyway, I got back there and Stevie Adler was about to nail some hot piece of Jersey. So, I figured, he’s cool and I’m cool, so we should get down on the same chick. So, I begin unleashin’ the beast, you know, and that crazy broad throws a bottle of Jack at me. That was probably the most wickedest threesome ever. Just like, you know, like road life.

What we learned here is if you want a real album review of "Chinese Democracy," don’t ask a die-hard Guns N’ Roses fan. Do your own research. If you haven’t died of a drug overdose or the STD collection you’ve amassed in the past 14 years, "Chinese Democracy" is available for purchase at all Best Buy retailers. Tell them Mitch sent you.