12.10.2008

4Chan: "The Asshole of the Internet"

A demonstration of Rule 34 of the internet as told by 4chan.

By Mario Orcon
Published: December 10, 2008

It’s been called the “the asshole of the internet” and perhaps rightfully so. Where else can you enjoy grammatically incorrect cats, feces-eating lesbians, and your childhood cartoons turned into porn stars? Give up? Well then newfag, let me introduce you to 4chan.org, specifically the notorious “random” section, also known as /b/. Hang your modesty at the door and let Ceiling Cat take your hat because /b/ waits for no one.

/b/ is at its rotting meaty core an online image board that allows for complete anonymity by not requiring any kind of username, online tag, or other identifier. Instead, all your comments and posts are numbered using their clever base-10 numerical system.

If you are familiar with the internet at all, then you probably know how anonymity leads to the most intelligent, carefully researched, inoffensive discussions possible.

As such, you can expect posts like “TITS OR GTFO!” a common phrase on the /b/ board roughly translating to “Your contribution is acknowledged however I would prefer pictures of breasts instead.”

4chan’s mask of invisibility has led to the creation, or some might say popularization, of Anonymous.

Anonymous is the name given to the collective mass individuals that describe themselves as “human nature unencumbered by pointless ethics, foolish moralities or arbitrary laws and restrictions. [They] are every dark impulse you have; unrestrained and fully realized.” They have orchestrated “raids” on websites wherein they hack or simply take up the site’s bandwidth either out of a perceived sense of morality or sheer boredom.

The lolcat phenomenon, captioned pictures of cats in strange situations, got its start on 4chan and eventually grew to a point where every Saturday on 4chan is known as Caturday. The infamous Rickrolling trend is also a /b/ product that got its start as a joke based on a joke.
The generally agreed upon chain of events is “eggroll” becomes “duckroll” by way of a word filter, which later became “rickroll” when the duck image that normally appeared was replaced with the music video for Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

If you happened to be watching this year’s Macy Day’s Parade then aside from leading a sad existence you might have noticed Rick Astley actually performing the song as part of the parade, a testament to the influence 4chan is gaining over pop culture.

If you stick around in the land of /b/ for a while (and retain some semblance of humanity), you may notice that males and females do not exist on /b/, insteadthere are “fags” and “cumdumpsters.” These of course are not slurs, but in fact how /b/tards (nickname for users of /b/) reference one another, including themselves.

Lurk longer and you may discover some of the “rules of the internet,” the first two of which are “Do not talk about /b/,” and “Do NOT talk about /b/,” (just come and get me Anonymous). These “rules” serve more to explain to beginers, known as newfags, the culture of 4chan. (I was kidding about getting me Anonymous. I know to not mess with /b/).

Despite its cultural contributions, all is not well in the digital wasteland that is 4chan. The FBI has been keeping a close eye on the board after several instances of bomb and shooting threats were posted. Several 4chan users were behind the hacking of Governor Sarah Palin’s personal email and went as far as posting the screenshots of the inbox that included the account’s password.

4chan has also been under fire due to users posting child pornography, which 4chan classifies as illegal material and removes any posts or threads containing them.

I barely scratched the surface of 4chan culture by the way. There are furries, traps, Pedobear, an hero, OVER 9000, and so much more waiting to stain your memory and rob you of your sanity. As one /b/tard put it, “/b/ is a place for people to be monsters-the horrible, senseless, uncaring, monsters that they really are…we are the true face of the internet.”

Crapterion Collect: "Santa with Muscles"


By Richard Chavez
Published: December 10, 2008

After reviewing two gruesome films the past two months, I finally get to watch a holiday movie the whole family can enjoy, well, a Mid-Western one.

What do you think when you hear the phrase, “Santa With Muscles?” 24 inch pythons of course. In this cheery film, Hulk Hogan plays an evil millionaire on the run from the authorities, led by Ron Howard’s little brother, something he did in real life as the leader of the nWo, without Ron Howard’s little brother. Only in this scenario, he falls down a garbage chute and comes out a new man. He believes he’s Santa Claus and must save Christmas the same way he can save his own daughter’s rear end from UV rays.

Two “That 70s Show” alum play supporting roles, Donna Pinciotti’s father and Jackie. Fez must have been busy back in 1996. The enemies are a goofy scientist, an electrifying woman, and a guy in a space suit. They want to take over the world by turning people into killer turkeys, or something like that. So Santa Claus has to fight for the rights of every man by taking them down. One big boot and leg drop later, the bad guys are toast. Or was that Andre the Giant? Either way, the Hulkster conquers.

Based on the immense success of this film, Hulk Hogan will run for official Santa Claus in 2012. Some of his campaign points are changing the official Christmas colors to red and yellow and appointing Scott Hall and Kevin Nash as the head of North Pole security. He was slated to use his son, Nick, as the driver of his sleigh but he didn’t want to injure any of his elves. Although after Mrs. Claus ran off with one of the little bastards, Santa Hulk is reconsidering his son for the position.

As Americans, we’ve become accustomed to the old regime, but we too, need some fresh blood in our office. So kids, you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout, I’m telling you why. Cuz the Hulkamania will run wild on you!








(Left) Yes, that is indeed Hulk Hogan, dressed as Santa, in a garbage chute.
(Right) The moving duet between Hulk Hogan and the little orphan girl really takes the film to new heights that Crapterion has never ventured into before.

Chinese Catastrophe: An Inside Scoop from a Die-Hard G’NR lover

(Above) Album cover of Guns N’ Roses’ latest album, “Chinese Democracy.” (Below) A close-up of Mitch DeVaolo’s new kick-ass tattoo.

By Bryan Glynn and Chad Marshall
Published: December 10, 2008

There are few things that stick in our minds like music. And there are few people who can’t finish the line, “Welcome to the Jungle…” with “we’ve got fun and games.” However, to Mitch DeVaolo, Guns N’ Roses isn’t a game, and they’re all fun. We sat him down to talk about the new long awaited release, "Chinese Democracy." Clearly, he enjoys rambling people into comas about his favorite band.

Steaming Pipe: So, what were your thoughts when you listened to the new GNR album?

Mitch DeVaolo: “Okay, okay. So, I’ve been waitin’ for this thing for fourteen years! FOURTEEN YEARS! You know how many chicks I have had in the backseat of my fucking Camaro in fourteen years? Well, double that if I had this album. I had this calendar, right? And every day, I’d X off another day without hearing these guys rock the house in my ears.

I saw them at Jones Beach, and I got this sweet fucking tattoo, bro. It’s my tribute to GNR. You wouldn’t believe it. It looks like one’a them painters did it on my back. Like.. Donatello or the guy that painted that dude with his hands on his face screaming. Oh man. I should have gotten that guy dressed up as Axl Rose. That’d be so sweet.

You know what else is sweet? THIS ALBUM, BABY! I CAN’T STOP LISTENING, IT ROCKS SO GODDAMNED HARD!

SP: What tracks do you think stand out?

Mitch: You know, not to sound like some homo or something, but when I listened to “Street of Dreams”, I almost cried. Not cried like some little bitch who’s dad didn’t hug him enough. But like…tears of awesome or some shit.

You should listen to the single “Chinese Democracy”. Dude, it’s so good 104.3 keeps it in rotation like twice an hour. I’ve been listening to that station for rockin’ out under the bleachers and smoking pot out of a Coors can.”

[At this point, he started to do a screeching Axl Rose voice, singing small snippets from what seemed like GNR’s entire catalogue.]

SP: Mitch, we don’t have much time here.

Mitch: “Blow it out your ass you fuckhead. Go home!”

SP: Ok, then. Moving on. What is your fondest memory of seeing GNR?

Mitch: This one time was totally crazy. I was at The Swamp back when they were really rocking. I snuck past a roadie to get backstage. Bro! Backstage is sweet. There’s food and chicks offering BJs to get there. And none of that comic book faggot shit. ARNOLD, BABY! Anyway, I got back there and Stevie Adler was about to nail some hot piece of Jersey. So, I figured, he’s cool and I’m cool, so we should get down on the same chick. So, I begin unleashin’ the beast, you know, and that crazy broad throws a bottle of Jack at me. That was probably the most wickedest threesome ever. Just like, you know, like road life.

What we learned here is if you want a real album review of "Chinese Democracy," don’t ask a die-hard Guns N’ Roses fan. Do your own research. If you haven’t died of a drug overdose or the STD collection you’ve amassed in the past 14 years, "Chinese Democracy" is available for purchase at all Best Buy retailers. Tell them Mitch sent you.

12.09.2008

Hot Toxic (Musical) Love

“The Toxic Avenger” performing a song in “The Toxic Anger Musical.”


By Bryan S. Glynn
Published: December 10, 2008

If you’re a baby of the 80’s or a B-Movie buff, you’ve more than likely heard of “The Toxic Avenger.” Offensive, disgusting, but hilarious, this movie was the cornerstone of the Troma Studios movies, and still resonates today as one of the best cult classics. If you haven’t heard of it, “The Toxic Avenger Musical,” which just wrapped up its World Premier at George Street Playhouse in New Brunswick, (and thanks to a scoop from the producer) will be making a NYC move in March, aims to make sure you will. With a revamped story, catchy songs by Jersey native and Bon Jovi band member, David Bryan, and the same offensive humour that made the movie the hit it is, the musical is one of the most original off-Broadway works in a long time. I got the opportunity to speak with Tom Polum, Producer, and Joe DiPietro, author of “The Toxic Avenger Musical” and ask them about the waste-irradiated phenomenon they’re a part of.

The Steaming Pipe: So, this movie has some rabid fans. Were you worried about keeping true to the original while making the musical?

Tom Palum: Oh, yes. “The Toxic Avenger” is Troma Studios’ baby. But, within 6 months, we created a new property, updated it some, but most importantly kept the spirit, you know, the feel, of “The Toxic Avenger.”

Joe DiPietro: (Joe DiPietro wrote the libretto and lyrics for “The Toxic Avenger Musical”) You can call Lloyd Kaufman (Creator of The Toxic Avenger and head of Troma Studios) a mad genius. He really captures the B-Movie low budget feel, but still makes fantastic productions. That was a real worry when we’re making a musical, but we’ve captured the same B-Movie vibe. Lloyd told me “Always remember it’s a comedy first.” And we tried to stick to that in the film to stage adaptation.

SP: Well, that’s good. I can imagine some fans getting very up in arms about changes.

JD: Oh yeah! There were two guys that drove down from Vermont just to see the premier. They came up to me after the show and they couldn’t get over how much it felt like a Troma Studios production.

SP: In that vein, what was the target audience? Did you try to appeal to the college crowd?

TP: Yeah, that was our original thoughts. People your age and a little older that were at the height of Troma’s influence. But, when the premier happened, there were three busloads of retirees from a community that showed up at George Street Playhouse. And our stomachs dropped. But, I observed a lot of the opening shows and I saw senior citizens literally roaring with laughter with someone your age sitting next to them doing the same. There are some testimonials on the site from a few 80+ people, even. The play really pleases a cross-stream audience.

JD: We knew that the Troma fans would come. And probably the college crowd. But to make your average senior citizen happy was great. They loved it. It’s really “Jersey Rock”, like Bon Jovi and Springsteen, and that kind of appeals to everyone. Also, you’re forgetting: “The Toxic Avenger” looks like a monster. Most of the seniors grew up on either the Universal Monster movies or even older sci-fi and horror stuff. They feel some kind of attachment to Toxie.

SP: What are some of the themes that you think will also appeal to the audiences?

TP: Well, there’s definitely the theme of fighting pollution. “The Toxic Avenger” is an eco-aware superhero. And, that’s something that’s becoming more and more important with younger crowds. Also, at it’s core, it’s still a boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back story. It just so happens that the boy becomes a mutated mess who wants to fight to clean New Jersey up in the middle of all that.

JD: “The Toxic Avenger,” for as much as it knocks on it, is like a skewed Valentine for New Jersey. As much as there’s problems, there’s still this love affair with it. And I think that will bring people from Jersey, as well as New York, as the sensibilities are kind of the same.

SP: And finally, if Toxie came to Kean campus and saw a random smoking pipe jutting out of the ground, what do you think his reaction would be?

TP: Well, I think he’d want to clean up whatever pollution it’s causing and figure out what the hell was going on!

JD: He’d immediately rip it apart. He’s a mutant of action. Toxie would make sure there’s no pollution and then ask questions later. Then, he’d probably help an old lady across the street.

You can find out more about “The Toxic Avenger Musical” at www.thetoxicavengermusical.com.